...I weren't so lazy...

...then I would have gone and gotten a haircut yesterday. My hair is too bloody long and the whole 'growing it long' thing isn't really working that well. So yeah, short hair is back in. When I have a chance. Then again, if I were less lazy I couldn't have studied in university and I would've completed my course and I would today have a BSc in Computer Science and Physics. Which I would then proceed to use to wipe my ass. True, I have a degree now but it's mostly decorative and I managed while reading it. Which works out really cool cause I got to go to London last week and drink lots of Guinness Red - which is the best. If only Guinness Red was available here in Malta... :(

...everyone kept their mobile phone on a lanyard...

...then no one would lose their mobile ever again. Supposedly. Still not a very comfortable way of transporting your belongings, you know around your neck, but I guess it does the trick. However if that were the case then this week wouldn't have been almost half as funny as it really was.

...someone joined me in the act of getting drunk today...

...it wouldn't totally suck. Actually that'd be pretty nice. But I can't expect that, so yeah, I'll just stay in and relax today.

...for once, my friends would all agree to go out to celebrate tonight...

...then we could finally go out for St. Patrick's for once and not have to listen to innumerable excuses about being broke/enjoying being curled up into a ball/doesn't feel like it/doesn't like beer. And then for once we could celebrate this day in the proper Irish way!

...I knew how to go draw...

...then people would be able to see the weird stuff that happens in my head. I could also create some weird comic which I would post here. Like for example there would be a bunch of happy people with ice cream doing various activities like swimming and horseback riding and skiing and skipping rope. The title would be "...ice cream didn't melt..." and I would write "...then people would be able to do other things while eating an ice cream."

...Earth's gravity was lower...

...then everyone would grow taller. Falling off a building could be a national sport instead of instant death. Cows would be able to hover over fences into the cars. The dodo bird wouldn't be extinct because its tiny wings would be able to support its body and take flight which would've made it easier to survive. Cheetahs would probably be able to jump some 10m in to the air or something. Apart from all this animal kingdom stuff, we could also jump very high. And the propeller hat thing would be more feasible!

...I were an anteater...

...I would win any argument by default.

...giraffes didn't grow so high...

...then people would be having pet giraffes. I'm not talking extravagant celebrities like Micheal Jackson who actually had full grown giraffes but regular folks like you and me, with a tiny giraffe running in the house eating all the cookies you hid in the high shelves and the top of all your plants in the house. Sure, that may sound like a disadvantage, but, well, you could have giraffe as a pet!

...we could erase particular memories at will...

...oh, if only! Do you remember the first time you saw . Do you remember how you got goosebumps the first time you heard Alive 2007? Or how much you laughed watching Lee Evans before you knew the words he is gonna say before he says them? Or the the final fight against 'The Boss' in MGS3? Imagine you could erase all these memories, only to experience them again for the first time. Trying to beat a game from scratch again. Internally fighting with yourself between the laughter/keeping quiet to understand when watching a comedy show the first time. The sensation you get when you hear perfect music for the first time, again. Yeah sure, you could erase traumatic experiences and all that stuff, but the Re-Experienceator needs to exist!

...there wasn't a hole in the bucket...

...then I could carry the water. If only the straw wasn't so long I could fix the hole in the bucket. If only the axe wasn't too dull I could cut the straw. If only the stone wasn't too dry I could hone the axe. If only I had some water I could wet the stone. If only...

...tomatos were blue...

...then pizzas, pasta and salads would be mostly blue instead of red. That would be kind of nice but wouldn't make that much of a difference really. Still, blue food is quite rare except in the case of sweets and ice cream. We would still have red in strawberries, peppers, chillis, meat, apples and other things, but we would also have blue, which is nice because sometimes, it feels left out.

...I could breathe fire...

...then I would be able to light cigarettes with my breath. That would impress the ladies! Yeah but then what would I do with the ladies? If I kissed them I'd probably burn their tonsils or something. Besides, I really hate the smell of singed hair. I'll give this one a miss.

...propellor hats worked like they did in cartoons...

... then human personal flight would be an everyday thing. People would go to work with their propeller hats which would only required a kick start to start working. Best of all they wouldn't be reserved for only 4 year old kids but for everyone. There would be different models with different engines. Snoop Dog would probably have a diamond encrusted gold propeller hat which would have a mechanical hand attached to kick start it. Wow!

...I'd manage to set up the bloody PHP and mySQL...

...then I could start working on the a new layout and features for this site...

...I lived in the '70s...

...I could've grown a great beard, could run around doing '70s stuff, could enjoy the premiere of Star Wars and be able of passing through several different flowerpower/hippie/peace phases which are frowned upon today. As an added bonus, in the '80s I could experience the awesome games which I feel nostaligia for today. But then I wouldn't have the internet, so, yeah, living in '90s-'00s is fine as well.

...I could think recursively...

...then I would be able to solve the problem about this problem on how to think recursively. All I need to do is think recursively. Damn, if only I could think recursively then I would be able to solve the problem about this problem on how to think recursively. All I need to do is think recursively. Damn, if only I could think recursively...

...teleportation existed...

...then I wouldn't have to wait for a couple of weeks for something to arrive in the mail. Yeah, yeah, the whole travelling instantly and new worlds to discover is nice, but getting the Sanyo Eneloop batteries you ordered on eBay as soon as you confirm the PayPal payment would kick so much ass it's not funny.

...everyone spoke the same language...

...then everyone would still talk in different indistinguishable accents. Still, we'd all have one alphabet, written text would be all pretty much the same, TV would be understood by everyone (not that I ever understood Neighbours...), people across countries would have little problems communicating be it for business or for pleasure, games would be released in Europe at a decent date because translations wouldn't be required and I wouldn't have to be at work right now working overtime to get the products supporting internationalization.

...beer draughts weren't so expensive...

...I would definitely buy one and could have Guinness Extra Cold in my living room - EVERY. DAY. That would be great.

...elephants had no trunks...

...Helium wasn't so hard to get hold of...

...then I could fill one of those inflatable sofas with them and it would float. Then when you sit on it you can hover around the room. Just install a fan at the back or something. Or I'd make helium bubble wrap and then wrap everything in it when I go abroad and I can fit more kilos in the baggage without going over the weight limit. Everyone could form chipmunk bands as well...

...Ross hadn't slept with the copy girl...

...then Ross and Rachel would still be together, they would have never had to go to London. That way, Chandler would've remained single and the whole crappy Joey/Charlie/Rachel thing would've not happened and we would have a spin-off called 'Chandler' instead of 'Joey' which would've been awesome!

...sliced bread weren't invented...

...we would all get bigger sandwiches. Which would rock. And sliced bread wouldn't be used as a measuring stick for new inventions.

...meat wasn't so incredibly tasty...

...then I would think about becoming a vegetarian.  And then I would decide against it because meat would still be delicious.

...I had six fingers on the left hand...

...then I could keep a finger on each button when playing bass on RockBand.  Furthermore I could keep my pinkie on the shift key at all times for extra convenience.